Technically, it’s 30 days for me because I was asked (by my very own brain) to live my life this way (as if I had 46 days to live) on September 23.
Initially, what came to mind was spending those days living with more balance; moderation became my focus.
I instantly forgot about moderation on day two. I did nothing I imagined myself would do for the next 15 days EXCEPT I did stop to smell a yellow rose because a woman walking in front of me did, and it was glorious.
Yes, this started out to be a stop and smell the roses, bring balance into your life, don’t wait for someday to come sort of post . . .
Then yesterday, one of my husband’s childhood friends died of a heart attack. As I listened to my husband choke back tears, I thought what did I do with my day today?
I wasted it away, but more importantly, my daughter called while I was squandering my day (struggling with a new WordPress site) and I said to her, “Do you want to talk to Dad, I’m really into what I’m doing right now.”
My daughter called this morning as she does every morning. I savored every word.
I brought my husband coffee this morning instead of the other way around.
I took the extra two minutes it takes to make a delicious breakfast.
I enjoyed crunches.
Ralphie called and we talked a long while. He read me four quotes; the last one was:
“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in,”
and then he sent this video
I forgave myself for taking my father off of life support.
I realized I don’t have to spend any of my 46 days teaching my kids anything.
And yes I danced – a little awkward, but definitely worth doing . . . .
I plan to sleep peacefully tonight. We’ll see.
Best night sleep ever. When I woke up at the usual time (3:11 a.m.), I just told myself, “29 days – why ruin a perfectly good night’s sleep with the same irrational fear and worry I have had for as long as I can remember.”
Still regrets over yesterday.
Loved this other video Ralphie sent:
Apparently sleep is overrated albeit breathing trumps everything else.
Admitted to Tony that he did not shrink my sweater. Also admitted I did not intentionally set the washing machine on the wrong setting (that was really hard because earlier I had looked him in the eye and said, “Yeah, that’s where I wanted it.”).
Excuses and justifications continue bouncing around my brain.
Pushed a bit on the limits of my comfort zone in an effort to do the right thing.
Another blissful night. Sleeping as if one only has 29 days left to live is the cure for insomnia. Who knew?
Today I have been getting a lot of love. Instead of doubting it or analyzing it or over thinking it or letting my insecurities twist it into something that doesn’t look like love, I’m going to accept it for face value. That’s all I’m going to do today (aside from drive to Berkeley and see a Jason Mraz/Christina Perri concert with my husband under an autumn sky at the Greek Theater) which will be plenty.
I also made Tony lunch today (maybe the fourth or fifth time in 29 years! okay 15th or 16th; I am a very lucky woman).
A little frustrated with the lack of dancing at the concert last night. Surely dancing to music at a concert is socially acceptable? I reposted this link about “Dance Walking” on Facebook with the hopes that it would somehow become a craze in the next 26 days.
Okay, I thought about religion during Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” (Tony thought about his friend who died of a heart attack and how his wife must be feeling). Mostly I thought about how people from all religious backgrounds have been trying (TRYING!) to get us to be nice to each other for a thousand years (give or take a century or two). I am not religious, but I thought about Jesus and how we (all people regardless of whether we are Buddhist, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Pagan, Atheist, Agnostic, you pick. . .) are capable of goodness and how our acts of kindness and wisdom are how we can honor the teachings of the spiritual leaders we worship or Nature or Einstein or ourselves. . . .
I smelled a beautiful red rose today.
I was a little bitchy.
Now I am sitting in our hotel listening to some music Tony is playing on his computer. . . . As sweet as it is to listen to Tony’s computer, when we first met he played guitar every night.
Going to a football game tomorrow.
I don’t care if “we” win.
Insomnia cured, but still grappling with some other mental and physical issues that I just don’t seem to be able to shake loose. Would rather do it sooner than later.
Did a little rock climbing today (decided fear of heights is a perfectly useful flaw that does not need to be addressed unless I fulfill lifelong dream of going on Amazing Race, and then took the stairs down).
Also did a little dance walking
and leaf crunching.
We won the game.
And I really didn’t care.
We took the long way home.
As we passed the turn off to Yosemite, I said, “We could just drive to Yosemite right now if we wanted to.” Tony nodded with a someday we will do that “Uh-huh.” I thought what if someday never comes and decided to plan a “spontaneous” trip to Yosemite on the way home from Ralphie’s trail marathon next week.
Is it insomnia or should I just be up at 5:15 a.m. ?
Up until a year ago this is what time I got up every Monday thru Friday. I would get up and go to work as an “Intervention Specialist”doing what I am really good at; helping kids who need a lot of help.
I think my mind must be in intervention mode because this morning, I woke up after I dreamt about two road signs. One was a yellow diamond that said, “Save my life.” The other was a white diamond that said, “Out of life.” That’ll wake one up from a not so restful sleep.
While I was kicking through the crunchy leaves on Day 26, looking at all of the big, beautiful million dollar houses (and wondering how to get one), it struck me that if we simply do what we are passionate about we will be successful (I know it’s cliché – all of my daily notes have been that way probably because this is nothing new, I have just been too busy doing nothing and not paying attention).
I wrote a friend this morning and offered to volunteer with intervention students at our local high school.
Well, BAM! My doctor’s office called and it turns out the blood work I had done “for fun” as part of a college fitness class is indicating a need for further tests. I’m sure it is nothing, but suddenly, this little experiment got a little more real. I was going to clean out a closet today, but I think I’ll take a bubble bath instead.
Contemplating only 23 days makes me realize I would have to come to peace with letting go of ALL of my plans. You know the plans we all have to grow old with each other, to watch our children have their own families, discover their own passions, follow their own dreams. I’m not willing to let those plans go!
This has been an exercise in attitude adjustment, but atwo minute phone conversation with Darlene from my doctor’s office has snapped me into take action now mode.
Smelling roses and volunteer work may feed my soul, but I need to feed my heart. I’m off to the grocery store to stock my pantry with healthy foods.
A homeless woman rolled her way slowly across the Safeway parking lot. She had two big dogs and a cart filled with what mostly looked like rags and blankets. There were several bags dangling from all four sides. She walked slowly and invisibly from one end of the lot to the other. My guilt over my self-centeredness ratcheted up a notch as I placed a bouquet of flowers I bought on top of my grocery bags full of healthy food. I did not even notice what I paid for my groceries when I checked out.
I followed her to the edge of the lot and asked her if she needed help. Nope. Did she want some food? Nope. Would she like these flowers? I held up the bouquet.
“No, I don’t really have any place to put them.” She was kind enough NOT to add, “Because I’m fucking homeless you dingbat.”
She needed a ride to St. Theresa’s. She needed shelter. There is a storm coming.
Decided that Googling medical symptoms really is tantamount to asking the neighborhood gossip’s opinion on one’s medical condition.
I did, however, rule out Fungal Meningitis after reading several medical papers on the topic (at least I think I ruled them out – it’s a completely different language) and determining the steroid shot I received in August came from an office that did not get the tainted batch.
My brain is jumping into denial/justification mode.
Oh and paranoia mode. If my immune system is weak, I don’t want to stay in Yosemite this weekend; the only rooms available are tent cabins and they have had an outbreak of Hantavirus (dang Google).
I am not being spontaneous and fearless today . . . .
BECAUSE my life experience has taught me that it’s a good idea to have a plan and to be careful; I don’t want to end up sleeping on the side of the road because I didn’t book a room in advance (I did that enough in my twenties).Yes, that is a metaphor.
I’ll have to come up with a different spontaneous plan for Yosemite.
I made dinner last night, and I really enjoyed cooking. Tony has been cooking for us for nearly 30 years, so it gave me a very different perspective to experience what it feels like to spend an hour preparing a meal and then just have someone sit down and eat it without paying much attention to the effort that went into it. I have been doing that for three decades!
Wine is good. And so is TV. And . . . .REALLY . . . this is your last 19 days and this is your message. Okay, I’m watching Modern Family.
Can I change that to “follow your heart.”
But really, follow your heart.
Wine is bad.
Feeling enormously fortunateas I listen to the vice presidential debate on NPR.
And hoping that as educated folks we take on genocide (c’mon). Just sayin’ .
Oops. I did not mean to post this yesterday. I was not planning to post it at all, but instead of clicking post to draft, I clicked on post to blog.
So what’s done is done. I can un-post it, but at least 150 people around the world will have The Last 45 Days pop momentarily into their inbox. They will either read it or delete it. It will be there in for an unintended moment, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Not being able to undo stuff has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks.
Watching the sunrise this morning.
What a day – started with a beautiful morning, then continued pain in my chest, a visit to the ER. Just torn tendons (from exercise!).
Discovered when it comes to life and death and chest pains – I am a very bitchy backseat driver (okay, I already knew that even without the chest pains, my attitude in the passenger seat could use some work).
The evening ended with a movie with Tony and two of our children; can’t wait until all five of us are together for Christmas.
Marathon day – an example of how plans change.
I had hoped that photos of Tioga Pass and autumn colors would be here, but things changed.
Ralphie ran the marathon, but got really sick so we stayed with him and canceled our reservations at the B&B near Yosemite.
The coolest thing is the inn keeper in Sonora (where I made reservations for our spontaneous, unplanned drive through Yosemite) did not charge us when I cancelled our reservation.
He thought it would “not be right” to charge our card for cancelling.
When I told Ralphie what the guy said, he responded, “I like people like that. I think that is what every person in our family would do. The right thing.”
So, I missed out on my plan, on Tioga Pass during autumn, on taking pictures from all of the vista points (I always wanted to do that . . . someday), and on not postponing someday,
but in exchange I got a little dose of what is right with the world . . . .
I’ve decided that it is really best to live as if one has 46 days . . . .
Have a great day!