This had better be a good post because it has one of those names that everyone is going to click on like “Getting to Pee Pee” and “Constipation.” Just to clarify, it’s about ME being naked, just in case you landed here accidentally and you want to leave now (people who know me just clicked the BACK button).
This morning, as I was looking at myself in the mirror before stepping into the shower, I thought I saw the slightest hint of an indentation where many women have a waist. I have exercised just about everyday for the past two weeks; spinning, jogging (we jogged 3.4 miles over the Golden Gate Bridge and back today – very glorious), stepping, Tai Chi-ing, weight lifting . . . .
“Maybe that scale IS broken; there is probably some reasonable explanation why it seems to only register Tony’s weight loss?” I pulled out the measuring tape to verify my theory. . . . Nope.
I reached into the medicine cabinet for a “menopause” pill, a Claritin, blood pressure medication, two Advil (for the dead arm), calcium tablet, and a fish oil capsule. I had my usual moment of panic as I swallowed the fish oil capsule, “I’m naked, if this gets stuck in my throat, it’s going to ruin some young fireman’s life, and it probably won’t be good for my marriage either (assuming it is dislodged).” I wonder how many people actually choke to death on fish oil capsules (I looked it up and discovered this handy dandy pdf from the Center of Disease Control – Injury: A Risk at Any Stage of Life – yay. Nothing on fish oil choking deaths, but 100 people per year choke on ballpoint pens)?
I stepped into the shower and considered the possibility that a large, heavy tumor was growing in my stomach. I’m not making fun of tumors, I genuinely considered this possibility. A 15 pound benign (I don’t want to be too morbid) tumor would explain a lot (not the candy corn or the peanuts or the nightly chunks of bread and cheese washed down with Pinot Noir). Not wanting to jump to any conclusions, I considered the facts, 1) I just had a very thorough checkup at Marin General for my constant dizziness and 2) I have had several ultrasounds and x-rays in recent months of my chest and abdomen which didn’t show any large growths, say the size of three roasting chickens, so if there is a 15 pound tumor, it is probably not in front.
I was momentarily distracted from my thoughts on my seemingly petrified flab by a large crack the length of the shower wall. My first thought: there are definitely benefits to renting! My second thought: I wonder why I have never noticed this crack before. My third thought: Oops, I have my glasses on in the shower. . . . Hmmm, I wonder what else I have missed?
Yep, it’s a true story.